An interview with the team behind Pinky Promise

Article by: Maria Häußler

This is an English translation of an original article with Berliner Zeitung which can be read in German here: https://www.berliner-zeitung.de/mensch-metropole/berlin-interview-sexpositiv-party-pinky-promise-eine-moeglichkeit-lust-und-genuss-zu-erweitern-jenseits-der-blossen-penetration-li.287633

Jared Philippo and Nica Furtacor are part of a sex positive party collective in Berlin who aim to create new ways to fuse hedonism with healing. Pinky Promise is a sensual party collective that hosts sex positive events, intimate workshops and cabaret performances across Berlin & London. They aim to empower people with the tools to be exploratory with their sexuality, stronger with their boundaries and more nurturing with their connections. After having a busy summer season this year that saw their collective take part in over 23 festivals across 7 countries, they finally arrived back to launch their debut Berlin party that took place on the 22nd October. I sat down with their founder Jared Philippo and Nica Furtacor who is their head of design to find out more about Pinky Promise and how they are trying to bring something new to Berlin’s sex positive sphere in the form of colourfully sensual parties that integrate sexual exploration with the topic of healing.

Berliner Zeitung: How did you come up with the idea of wanting to set up a sex positive party

Jared: From a very young age I have been involved in sex positive parties and spaces. When I was 15 I used to have a DJ residency in a strip club in London. At the time I found myself being welcomed by many people in the scene who were older than me that liked my cheeky flamboyant nature and appreciated the music I played so they would invite me to DJ at their sex parties & fashion shows. My parents are pretty easy going and would allow for me to leave the house each weekend to roam late into the night, they didn’t really however have much of an idea about what I got up to but just as long as I returned on Sunday night before school started they wouldn’t complain. When I was at university I used to put on erotic themed circus parties that resembled the best parts of being at a festival where you can feel free in your expression and desires whilst taking part in ridiculous games and interactive experiences with strangers without the fear of judgement or shame.

After running these events for 10 years, I got slightly tired of just doing parties that took up so much time, money and energy but had no further purpose beyond just one night of crazy hedonism and instead I wanted to focus my attention on creating events that are community driven and can also help provide support for anyone wishing to learn new ways to relate and engage with their sexuality as this was very much a topic I was struggling with at the time.

We held our first Pinky Promise party in London warehouse in February 2020 right before the world went into lockdown. I wanted to ensure that the space we created (and continue to do so) is able to make you feel a sense warmth, acceptance and excited curiosity as you enter our colourful pleasure palace. The music policy has a focus on uplifting and soulful sounds with little to no techno (shock horror I know!) along with there being lots of decorations and a dress code that is colourfully sensual and flamboyantly kinky.

Whilst it is important to have lots of entertainment and offerings for people to take part in as they explore through the multiple rooms we provide in the venues, it was also important for me to recognise that that there are many people coming to these parties especially those that perhaps who haven’t been to an event of this nature before who might feel quite nervous in not feeling confident in themselves, have struggles in communicating their desires or boundaries or just simply are wanting to learn new tools to expand their passion, creativity and vulnerability with their lovers. This is why we also have a separate space specifically for anyone wanting to attend our workshops that run for the most part of the night so people can go between the dance floor spaces, interactive rooms, play spaces and the workshop area depending what they are craving for at the time.

Berliner Zeitung: Have you always been so open with your sexuality?

Jared: I think there was an assumption that because I appear very confident when i’m on stage or when i’m running a party that I would naturally possess that same sense of confidence when I’m not working. I would actually say Pinky Promise really helped me deal with my own struggles relating to shame and fear of rejection.

Berliner Zeitung: I think I know what you mean about having insecurities at sex parties, can you explain more about this?

Jared: I would say that one of the biggest insecurities I had when I first started going to sex parties would be firstly not knowing how to approach someone that I was attracted to and to honestly communicate my intention or desires in a way that they would feel safe in receiving and also potentially rejecting it.

Nica: We really try to create the conditions and promote the values for people to feel as welcome and safe in their body when they enter our party. As someone who identifies as a women, I very much know the insecurities and fears I along with many other women have when going into these environments where I would question if I am attractive enough or if I am going to have to do anything I don’t want to do. We really enforce the idea that just because you are here you are not obliged to do anything that goes above or beyond your own limits.

Berliner Zeitung: You don't describe your party as a sex party but instead a sensual party. Can you explain to me the difference?

Jared: Whilst there is no shortage of parties where you can fully let your most wildest inhibitions and perverted fantasies run free, I wanted to see what environment we could make whereby the goal of sex was not the main course but rather just a side dish. At our events we approach sensuality as a creative outlet to explore intimacy with ourselves and others. How people wish to express and interpret this is entirely up to them however with sex being such a genital focused experience, we wanted to provide the chance for our audience to challenge and evolve their perception of pleasure, especially beyond penetration.

Nica: Having also run sex positive parties and as well as participating in them for over a decade, I quickly realised that I didn’t quite fit into the norm of wanting to go into dark rooms and wear black latex or leather costumes. Instead I want to engage in intimate activities in spaces which are warmly lit, softly decorated and to not feel judged if I wear really extravagant colourful costumes that make me feel sensual and attractive.

Berliner Zeitung: How would you define the type of person that comes to your party?

Nica: Something I have found so special about our parties is that they really are open for folks who are either well seasoned hedonists who go to kit kat on a regular basis but also to those who are just starting to dip their toes into the sex positive sphere.

Jared: I am very much someone who doesn’t take themselves very seriously, I mean look at what I am wearing! I wish to evoke the same sense of spirit into our events that people can feel alot more lighter in the way they are and how they wish to be in contact with others. I find that Pinky Promise really attracts people who see pleasure as much as a pathway as it is a destination and therefore love to be joined by others who share their lust for life whilst doing so laughing.

Berliner Zeitung: Its pretty rare in Berlin that you can go to a party whereby you are offered not only a whole music and performance programme but also you have a separate space just for workshops and talks. Can you tell me more about this and what they are like?

Jared: Our workshops offer a wide variety of thought provoking conversations, exercises and techniques that aim to get you excited opposed to feeling anxious about your personal desires, pleasures and fantasies. We therefore aim to provide a safe space to help you deepen your own connection to your sexuality, kinks along with your relationships and enrich you with creative forms of navigating and expressing them.

Berliner Zeitung: Would you say that the ideals and values you promote in your parties are also able to be transferred into society?

Jared: I very much recognise the limitations and perhaps ambitious nature that a party can have in trying to change societal issues. Rather I wish to place my focus on how can such spaces create transformational change for simply those that attend. If it can create a small amount of influence in how people therefore then get to relate to others in a hopeful compassionate way that also gives them the means to be more confident in themselves than I am happy.

Berliner Zeitung: You clearly communicate on your Instagram that you celebrate inclusion of all body shapes. In your venue however at Bucht der Träumer festival however, I got the impression that only a certain type of beauty standard was represented in the audience. How do you make sure everyone is comfortable?

Nica: It is very difficult to deconstruct the idea of beauty and it is also very hard to overcome the internalised insecurities that people have when trying to match a particular beauty standard. Whilst we might try and show that we don't adhere to typical beauty standards in the way that we promote our events and produce our cabaret shows, we totally accept that it takes a lot of courage for people to just simply show up in our events and be honest and vulnerable in their expression. Our work and aim is just to keep on promoting that all bodies and beings are welcome and that our spaces foster freedom of expression with no fear of shame, judgement or discrimination.

Jared: When we run stages at festivals, we recognise the space we wish to take up and the messaging we want to instil within the festival even if they might not be so active in doing so themselves. This is why we are very particular and selective in the type of performers and facilitators we have along with the DJ’s we book as they are essentially our biggest asset in helping us amplify our values and making sure audiences can be shown a better representation of people beyond the normative types you see on all lineups.

Berliner Zeitung: What would you say is one of the big differences between the sex positive scene in London where you also host your events compared to Berlin?

Nica: London is a big melting pot containing so many different racial and ethnic diverse groups which I would then say provides the scene with more opportunity to amplify marginalised voices. You have for example sex parties specific for queer people of colour or you can go to workshops that explore practical ways we can decolonise sex education.

Berliner Zeitung: Lastly, can you tell us more how you finance the parties in order to keep them inclusive?

Jared: Our events are founded on the principle of inclusivity and therefore we try to make sure people regardless of how much money they earn can attend. With that being said, we continuously have found ourselves in a balancing act with how to make sure we can not only can pay our crew of 80 people a decent fee for bringing the party to life, but to also ensure that we don’t alienate those that wish to attend by charging a door fee that only a select minority can pay.

Nica: Whilst saying this however, we will continue to keep widening the access to supportive, nurturing & empowered spaces that can offer an alternative to the more costly and in certain cases elitist varieties of retreats, courses and parties who promote sexual healing and exploration but very much for an already privileged audience.

An interview with the team behind Pinky Promise

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