Shadow journeys through play parties

Written by Gili

Photo by Pornceptual & Aurélien Mathis

I would think that for most people, an event with the words ‘party’ and ‘play’ in it, would hardly evoke visions of complicated emotional states, triggers and deep process. I would also imagine that such a prospect would probably not be the most effective marketing point or a way to encourage participation. Nevertheless, having now attended, helped out at and organized dozens of sex positive events, I can say with confidence it’s not at all uncommon. And, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Bear with me here, and I’ll tell you why.

A common misconception of ‘Shadow’ is that of an undesired behavior, or something that’s generally negative and unliked by us or by social norms. I rather rely on a different definition of shadows, as simply something that’s hidden from our consciousness, something we’re not aware of, but that is affecting us - sometimes without even realizing it - in how we see ourselves and show up in life. A shadow is sometimes related to early childhood wounding or otherwise past trauma, which ends up affecting the way we engage with intimacy as adults. Shadow Work is the practice of bringing these unknown parts into the light and allowing them to be present and seen. It is not about getting rid of a certain behavior or way of thinking: getting rid of shadows isn’t a destination. Illuminating them is. Bringing a shadow into awareness can lead to it having less of a dominance over us, and the experience of feeling more free, empowered and authentic in how we do life.

Why are play parties perfect for this? Because a sex positive, intimacy positive space is a microcosm of relating. It offers a mirror into how we present ourselves to others, what sort of people we’re attracted to, attach ourselves to, feel resistance towards. These spaces are charged with potential of self discovery and growth​. ​And if like me you’ve grown up in an environment where expressions of sexuality were considered taboo, or restricted in any way, then it’s likely that an environment which provides permission and invitation for them will also invite some vulnerability. The other thing that’s also taboo and rarely talked about, is experiencing and expressing a full range of emotions. My experience is that there’s actually not a whole lot of permission to not be okay. I get told “don’t be sad” way more often than “it’s ok to be sad”, or “don’t cry” instead of “would you like a tissue?”. Play parties, which already offer a safe space to break taboos, can also be particularly potent to get into some juicy, sticky, deep shadow work. Someone once told me that a play party can often evoke the issues we were struggling the most with in high school. That time, when the body was changing, when personal identity as well as new ways of relating with others were forming, when intimacy was desired and feared, craved and mostly avoided. Remember those times?

My personal highschool demons were about acceptance and belonging. I never felt like there was a place for me - at home or at school - and I’ve come out of that period of my life carrying a deep wounding of feeling like I’m not enough. At home my grades weren’t good enough, I wasn’t complicit enough with the norms and moulds of the time and culture, or well behaved enough, presentable enough. At school I wasn’t cool enough, funny enough, nice enough, probably not cisgendered enough before I even knew it, and most definitely not straight enough. A common parallel to the ‘not enough’ wounding is the ‘I’m too much’ one. Which pretty much works the same way and has an impact on how much permission we give ourselves to just be ourselves and trust that’s okay and welcome. Those two are not the only types of woundings and attachment traumas that end up lurking in the shadows and creating some trigger happy emotional reactions in us, but they are pretty common examples.

Now, back to the party. Even though I’ve long ago started making friends with my ‘Not Enough’ shadow, I still find it sticking its little-wounded-child head up in the back of my mind and telling me I’m not attractive enough, not experienced enough, not straight enough, not queer enough, not having enough energy, not turned on enough, and a variety of old and new ways to convince me that I don’t belong, unwelcome and unwanted. The first step - for me and also what your average 101 shadow work guide would tell you - is to notice what’s going on, and notice the reaction. My reaction, for example, is wanting to either shut down and hide away in a corner, or just leave. Feeling unwanted or not belonging doesn’t feel good and my first impulse is to avoid it. With some practice, I’ve learned to catch myself in those moments and have a little internal check in - do I want to go into this now? Does it feel safe? Does it feel helpful? With internal consent achieved I move on to phase two, which is allowing myself to fully feel and track the emotion, without rejecting it. Giving myself permission to feel the challenge often takes away the power it has over me, knowing that avoiding it isn’t actually the only option I have. With the emotion present and allowed I try to track it: when have I felt this way before? What is the story I’m believing right now? What am I projecting on the situation and other people? Allowing that to sink in, oftentimes realizing that I’m projecting past wounding and experiences onto a current situation ends up just dissolving the original feeling.

The journey doesn’t always end with feeling it all and allowing it. Having gone through this internal inquiry, I’ve learned it’s important to allow some time and space until I feel grounded again. Drinking water helps, as well as moving my body (alone, at first) by stretching or dancing or just wandering around. I’ve also learned it’s important not to push myself and allow as much time as needed, party FOMO be damned! Eventually, when good and ready, I like to ask myself - what’s next? What am I needing or wanting right now? The responses vary greatly. Sometimes it’s just taking time for myself and having found some grounding returning to the party. Sometimes it’s looking for a cathartic experience to negate the shadow, like, asking myself: what would make me feel like I belong right now? And going for it. I’ve never left a party mid-way yet, but, I always allow that to be an option, as well.

Key takeaways?
- Sex positive events are spaces of permission, and it’s worth exploring the opportunity to take permission for other tabooed experiences, like challenging emotions.
- For a shadow journey to work there needs to be internal consent to move through a process, and full permission for any feeling or thought that comes up, without judgement, rejection or shaming.
- It’s really important to take time for grounding and integration after an emotional process, and not try to push for a ‘quick recovery’ or succumb to FOMO. Self Care is sexy!

- Play Parties don’t have to be all fun, they sometimes aren’t even if we really really want them to be, but they don’t have to be all dark either. Permission to play: granted.

Gili (zie, them) is a nomadic pleasure activist, sex & consent educator and Tantra aspirant. Gili's really looking forward to once again curate and hold juicy spaces of permission for individuals and groups, once lockdown is over. You're welcome to follow, engage and keep Gili company on Twitter or Instagram.