The importance of self love
Written by Leyla Jafarian
Image by Lana Prins
What does it mean to love yourself and what are the benefits of it? After all we have all had people in our lives that have had great influences on us and they were hardly the self involved and self loving people we nowadays aspire to be.
For a lot of us a great example would be our mother, maybe this is something that comes with motherhood but at the same time ‘mothers’ come in different shapes and forms and genders; their trademark is giving all of themselves without expecting or receiving much in return. Their love is unconditional and often hardly ever focused on themselves. I’d like to talk about self love without neglecting or discrediting those who give more love to others than themselves.
Self love should not be an excuse for being a rude and egocentric person, only making decisions based on their own wants. It should simply be a value of great importance in our lives when it comes to decision making. Whether you are in a situation that makes you doubt yourself or you are surrounded by people that bring you down, self worth should be the protective shield that reinforces your intuition and instincts.
A lot of us have experienced toxic and abusive relationships, which have destroyed our confidence and feelings of being worthy — be it a romantic relationship, a friendship or a working relationship. Often there are times we’re unaware of the manipulations being exercised on us and blame ourselves for feeling a certain way or ‘making someone feel or act’ differently. This a phenomenon called ‘gaslighting’; when you are being gaslighted the other person is making you feel responsible for their behaviour, even though they are accountable for it.
While criticisms can be an important part of our lives, as it helps us learn, grow and mature, it is important to differentiate when criticism is appropriate and when it becomes destructive. An open conversation is important to provide feedback as to how you received their commentary. We have been taught at a young age to bend to a social standard of being passive whenever we feel evaluated and we have carried it into adulthood.
When it comes to talking about toxic relationships or environments, no matter what circumstances you have experienced them in, it was and still is deemed a taboo. This taboo is by definition something that is prohibited or restricted by social norms. It is our duty as independent, free thinking humans to claim what has been silenced by generations of conservative and easily offended men and women. We are here to lift the curse of the concept of shame and claim our sexuality, identity and expressionistic freedom. Taboos seem to hover over personal affairs that are deemed as uncomfortable to the public eye and anything that is uncomfortable is hard to deal with. It is extremely important to normalise this conversation and be able to intellectually grow from it.
Physical and mental abuse happens everywhere, everyday. It may not always be easy to spot the signs but if you see someone or know someone going through a tough time in a toxic relationship it can actually be quite counter-intuitive to tell them the person they are with is bad for them. I speak from personal experience that after hearing something blunt and direct like that is often times like a punch in the gut. Deep down you may know it is true but at the same time you are also being manipulated into thinking there are many reasons why you should stay with this person. When I was going through a hard and abusive relationship, my friends never said a bad word about my partner. They also never said a good word, all they did was build my confidence and self-worth back up until I was able to see that the way I was being treated wasn’t right. Self-love is not the neglect of loving the people around you any less, but it does mean that you have a responsibility to be an advocate of pride in knowing your worth — which is immeasurable.
That doesn’t mean loving yourself is always easy, but like mothers I feel like we have a responsibility for our body, mind and soul. Whenever I feel as though I am at a crossroads I imagine I am my own child and base my decisions on that. I find it allows me to still make mistakes without being hard on myself and it also protects me from slipping into a situation that makes me feel stuck. As humans we are too often too unkind to our inner self and I would hope that if each us had a child we would not talk to them in this way. We need to be patient, loving and accepting of us as a whole being. No matter what flaws we have. You wouldn’t love your child any less if it had big ears or a wonky nose, in fact I think these would be things you would love especially, as it makes them unique. Try to find that feeling for yourself.
When you have found that balance for yourself, treating people with kindness will become second nature and spotting people mistreating you will suddenly become very obvious. Instead of running away from them, try to have a dialogue with them; give them a chance to learn and hopefully see that their inner troubles are direct projections onto the people around them. Based on their efforts, or not, it will be a lot easier to determine if you want to continue whatever kind of relationship you have. When we look back at the bad situations, we seemed to have been stuck in self created prisons, nailed down by low self esteem and the fear of being alone. It might be easier to claim the feeling of being unworthy of anything better, instead of acknowledging being taken advantage of.
If your partner or friend doesn’t boost your confidence, builds you up and helps you be your best version then why do you have them in your life? Life has its ups and downs but in the end a partnership is all about lifting each other up and reminding the other person of their importance and value. If you or someone you know are in a relationship that causes you to doubt your or their own emotions, sanity or worth, make sure to get support from your friends, family and /or a professional.
Even when you think there is no one to turn to, you’d be surprised to find there are always resources to help you come out better on the other end.
Leyla Margareta Jafarian is a German/Persian actress, artist and writer, currently living in London. She is an advocate to shine a light on subjects that make you think, rethink and hopefully feel something. You can find her work on instagram here.
Here is a list of UK Services you can reach out to:
Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline
Galop (for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people)
Live Fear Free helpline (Wales)
Rape Crisis (England and Wales)
Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline
Women’s Aid Federation (Northern Ireland)
You can find further hotlines & resources for those seeking support against Domestic Violence here