Being an erotic writer whilst on Antidepressants

Written by Pimenta Cítrica

Photo by Andrea Céline

Writing about sex is what I do for a living.

I was always drawn to erotic content. There was something very appealing about being able to talk openly about our deepest desires. But it took me a long time to get where I am now; working as an editor-in-chief for a sex-positive, diverse erotica publisher, having written several erotic stories, mainting a Blog and a YouTube channel about sexual health and sex education, leading a project about clitoral anatomy with two other friends. I am proud of what I do and how it can impact people. It’s also a way for me to heal my own relationship with my sexuality - being the person I needed when I was younger, ashamed and scared of my own fantasies.

Through my stories I was able to be proud of how sexual I always was. Sex is a big part of my nature, how I express myself and I how I connect to people. And it was a nice change to see others relating to that - instead of feeling like there was something wrong with me for having such a high sex drive. But then, something happened to me that changed my libido drastically. The beginning of 2020 was a full-on nightmare. I had gotten out of an abusive relationship that had a long-lasting impact on my mental health, and lost my entire family on one side in the span of three months. First my only uncle on my mother’s side, then my grandma, and twenty days later, my mother. Which was the most devastating loss of them all.

Losing my mom was a blow that I could never be prepared for. She was my biggest cheerleader and we were always very close. Even though she had been battling cancer for years, it felt like everything happened so fast. One day I got a call from my father while at the office; next thing I knew I was catching a plane to Brazil to try to make it there in time to say my goodbye. Everything was a blur, and coming back to my life in Berlin was strangely detached. This was the life that I had built for myself with hard work and sacrifice - a life I was very proud of. But finding the strength to carry on was tough. After my mom’s passing, I caved into depression. I was struggling to stay afloat before, but I just felt like I needed extra help. So, my therapist suggested I started medication, and that is what I did.

One week on medication I had stopped having panic attacks and intrusive thoughts and nightmares. Three months, and I didn’t feel like my emotions were flat or I wasn’t myself, but rather like I had training wheels that kept me stable. I have been on antidepressants for a year now and they have helped me a lot to go through the darkest period of my life. I feel they provided kind of a safety net, and just a tiny boost of energy that allowed me to survive and continue to focus on my work and my personal life. I honestly don’t know how it would have been if I wasn’t on medication this past year.

Only problem is… Well, they fucked up my libido. Which is one of the most classic, unescapable side effects of antidepressant drugs. And you might think, well, so what, who wants to have sex while griefing and depressed, especially in the middle of a pandemic? But here’s the catch: My whole job consists of writing and thinking about sex. Suddenly, I felt like my sexual desire’s lights had gone out. I have always been such a proudly sexual person, this has always been such a core part of my identity - it’s been a struggle to navigate this severe decrease in my libido. At times I felt like a fraud at work, and many times I didn’t feel like myself anymore. But I knew the medication was really helping.

This past year has taught me a lot about being patient with myself when circumstances are downright shitty. And that surprising thing can happen when you least expect. I started sleeping with someone who had a high sex-drive. And this is something I have wanted so bad to happen to me… If only I could date someone who liked to fuck as much as I did. And then it happens when my libido is at its lowest. The funny part about this, is that sex started to feel different for me. I’ve always said sex was the only time in my life I didn’t feel the need to be existential - I could simply exist. It was so easy for me to get lost in the moment, forget everything else, be completely present. And now I find myself distracted, or having thoughts about the dishes I have to wash while I have someone’s tongue on my clit. And a skilled tongue, too. And coming. Sometimes it doesn’t happen. Sometimes it really takes forever. And it can be so frustrating, because in my mind I AM turned on. But the connection between my body and my brain is at times faulty.

So, how to write bout sex when I feel like I don’t know how to do it anymore?

We talk a lot about mental health, how important it is to take care of oneself, but we don’t talk often enough about what this means. Being sex-positive is advocating for more orgasms, more pleasure, and more fun. But it is also taking the pressure off. There are many factors that can mess with your libido. And in an era in which taking antidepressants is more necessary everyday - we are not talking enough about how this affects our sex lives. And I realized it’s also my duty as a writer, and someone who decided to build a platform to talk about sex, to share my own experience prioritizing my mental health over constant orgasms and high libido. And to allow myself to live and breathe erotica, even if at times it feels a little off. This new approach has also improved my sex-life. Because sometimes having great sex is about the ride. And sometimes it is also accepting that you’re not going to come because the drugs are messing with your brain - but you’re still having fun and enjoying yourself.

In this journey, a powerful little clit-sucking device has been life changing. As well as exploring other parts of my body that would not get that much love before. But above all, what I am trying to internalize is that sex is part of my identity and how I express myself - but it doesn’t mean my relationship with it is never going to change. One day, hopefully soon, I’ll be off the meds and my libido will go back to what it was before. But what will stick is how much sex is never going to be a one-size-fits-all thing. Being truly sex-positive means being true to what works for you.

Pimenta Cítrica is a Berlin-based author, screenwriter, and filmmaker. Born and raised in Brazil, she moved to Germany in 2016, and her work is focused insex-positivity from a feminist perspective. She maintains a Blog and a YouTube channel about eroticism and sexual health, and is one of the voices behind I Am The Clitoris, a project to bring awareness to female anatomy.