Healing trauma through sensuality

Written by Tora Rose

Photo by Mikhail Tishkoff

For many years, I behaved and indulged in many self-destructive behaviours, predominantly related to sex. I would lose myself in making sure I was someone else’s perfect sexual fantasy. I would engage in sex acts I wasn’t comfortable with, often binge drinking to make myself enjoy it. I would masturbate for hours & hours on end, not even enjoying myself. I would sleep with people who I knew were no good for me, and heck I was probably no good for them either! But all the time, I told myself "Who cares, it's just sex!" Having experienced sexual abuse at a very young age, sex was something that was incredibly confusing & difficult for me to understand and I did not realise the damage I was doing to my soul.

Sex does hold a lot of power, but it also has as much power as you give to it & no one aspect of you should rule your whole life, but this was the case for me. Growing up, my idea of sex was very extreme. It either meant absolutely nothing at all, or it meant everything. Looking back, I was completely powerless when it came to sex & my own sexuality & I would say I was a sex addict for much of my late teens & early twenties. Whilst I by no means would say I am now an entirely healed person who has the perfect attitude towards sex - i am still learning & changing everyday - I do know I have come a long way from how I used to be. I believe one step to becoming healed is to help others heal, so I hope by sharing with you what has worked for me, it may help on your journey to healing your sexuality.

ACCEPTANCE
For me, it took a very extreme situation to realise how truly damaged my sexuality was. There's a quote that's something like 'the world whispers until it screams', and this boy, did it scream. Twice. In the tiny bathroom of the boutique I worked in, I found out I was pregnant again. A year before this i'd already had one incredibly painful & heartbreaking pregnancy that resulted in abortion with someone I was very much in love with, and now here I was, having to make the same difficult decision all over again, but this time it would be from sleeping with someone I knew from day one was no good for me. Someone who I knew wasn't ready to be in a , let alone a father.

I felt so much shame, anger & guilt. Why was I still not taking care of myself and my body? Why was I still being intimate and sharing myself with people I knew would be negative for me? What was it that was making me keep repeating these patterns? This was a huge wake up call for me, and the situation in fact made me realise and accept that my attitude towards sex was very unhealthy. I began to want to change and also understand why I was this way. I imagine if you are reading this, healing your sexual self is perhaps something you are drawn to do, so I would say you're already beginning the journey.

SACREDITY

Over time, as I became more & more conscious that what I was in desperate need of was sexual healing, and no not the Marvin Gaye kind that you find in someone else, but the kind that can only be found within. Through this research, I discovered the concept of sacred sexuality & tantra, and it was like something had been lit up inside me. What is sacred sexuality? It is the practice of deep love.

Embodying & expressing what we in our souls believe to be love, and through this, transforming our inner & outer worlds into pure love. I immediately knew & understood that I had been searching far & wide to find this deep love, forgetting that I already had it inside me all along! I began taking a women's only tantra class, connecting with others deeply in non-sexual ways and it was deeply awakening.

CLEARING

Once I recognised this inner truth, that the sexiest and most lovable thing in my life was my own heart & soul, I knew I had to clear them! But how? Through my research I discovered the idea of a sexual fast. A sexual fast means that for thirty days, you must engage in no sexual activities not just with anyone else, but even with yourself! No masturbation!? I thought I could handle sex with no-one else for thirty days at this point in my journey, but not even touching myself...that was going to be a struggle.

But I did it! And I gained so much insight on myself in those thirty days. I realised the reason that I would spend so much time masturbating was I so desperately wanted to connect with my true self, and as my true inner self shined more & more, I no longer felt this need. Of course, I still take great pleasure in myself nowadays, but I now see it as a form of self-worship rather than a desperate urge to get my fix.

The first time I slept with someone after this ‘fast’, well, it was like being touched by an angel. My heart felt so ready to share itself with another, and connect purely in the moment, with no altruistic motives, just wanting to enjoy pleasure with another. A feeling I had only ever felt when I first fell in love many years before. (This angel person also helped stop me joining a ‘sexual healing’ cult, which is a whole story for another time, but as a side note, please do be wary of the advent of dangerous opportunists masquerading themselves as sexual gurus and research these ‘gurus’ as much as possible.)

UNDERSTANDING

If you feel you have unhealthy sexual habits, I believe understanding what needs you are trying to meet with these behaviours will give you great guidance on how to break away from this. As I said earlier, I still by no means think I am a perfectly healed human when it comes to sex but I understand why I do relate to sex in a certain way & understanding is a part of healing.

Some of my greatest helps with this have been therapy & Chinese five element acupuncture. Both of these practices can bring up a lot of darkness to wade through, but once you have the courage to brave the darkness, it can bring to light why you operate in certain behaviours & you can therefore find healthier ways to fulfil these same wants and needs. I now understand that sex had been a way of connecting & creating attachments, not just with others, but with myself. These days, I find and create much stronger connections through my creative work. I love writing, sewing, drawing, painting. Even if no one else ever sees my work, I do and it makes me feel warmer and fuzzier than any drunken one night stand did - and there is no shame in one night stands if you genuinely enjoy them and they make you happy! We are all individuals with our own sexualities & that is another reason it is so important to honour yourself with the sex that makes YOU happy.

I still am learning more and more everyday on my path, but I strongly believe the world is in great need of healing right now, and the path of sacred sexuality is one way of achieving this. Find what awakens your inner flame and how to maintain it, this fire will change your life! There is so much joy to be discovered through healthy sexual habits and I hope you discover what sets your soul on fire!

Tora is a 29 year old writer & creative born and raised in London. She is interested in humans, romance, sexuality & healing. Her writing focuses on a raw and real response to these subjects that she hopes will uplift & enlighten others to awaken their deepest selves. You can find out more about her on her Instagram