Celibacy as self reflection
Written by Kira Sparkles
Photo by Irini Iliopulu
Whenever the word celibacy is mentioned, it drums up images that are overbearing and patriarchal in nature. Whenever the conversation of sex comes up, I have nothing to contribute because I have been celibate for two years. People look shocked, aghast and a mix of other feelings when I mention it, but ironically enough, the reason I started down this path in the first place is because of something a monk said to me when I was still in college. Yes. A monk. I know. Way to NOT drum up pictures of the patriarchy, but go with me for a second.
The area I grew up in has one of the largest populations of Hare Krishna devotees in the United States meaning that there are a lot of people of said religion that would pop in and out of town. Prolific people related to the religion and - yes - monks. This particular one was the happiest man I had ever seen in my life. He radiated joy and had an infectious energy that instantly made you happy to exist around him. Everything he did, he did with joy. He danced with joy. Sang with joy. Cooked with joy. The man radiated joy. We had a conversation one day, and I asked him how he became so devoted to the Krishna movement as a whole. As a monk, you have to a vegetarian and you can’t drink, smoke, have caffeine, or have sex. To a twenty-year-old me at the height of my partying days, it seemed like a lot, but with a smile on his face he said, “Whatever does not serve you will drop off when the time is right.”
Sex happened to be that thing that wasn’t serving me. Not to say it never will again, but for the time it wasn’t. I was stuck in a particularly toxic relationship and the only reason I stayed as long as I did was because of the sex. Once I left, I decided I needed to take a gigantic step back. Flash forward to the present, I started to entertain the idea of putting myself out there more and up my chances to have a connection with someone this year. I moved to a new city and I was feeling brave and vibrant, but quarantine quickly put a wrench on my plans to put it on someone. So what do I do in a situation that is ultimately out of my control? I decided to look at what I could control in spite of the circumstances. Instead of looking at lost potential and what wasn’t happening, I choose to look at what there was to gain and how to serve myself instead. If anything, celibacy has taught me that I don’t need to go to the outside world to feel good. It’s put me more in touch with myself and my own needs. It’s forced me to look - and I mean really look - at myself.
While this time isn’t ideal, it doesn’t have to be scary or downright dreadful. I gently encourage everyone to take this time for inner reflection and self-exploration - and yes, that can include self-pleasure! I realize that I have codependent tendencies that I may not have clued into had I found another partner or friend with benefits. I realized that I was stuck in a job that I hated. I realized that I deserve so much more out of life than what I was allowing myself to have. Being to myself has made me realize all that I want for myself and by extension, from the world around me so that when all of this is over, I’ll be able to go back into the world more self-realized than I was before. I’ll be able to ask people for what I want specifically in all areas of my life. I’ll be able to choose situations and people that please me rather than settling.
Now is the best time to ask how we can maximize pleasure physically, mentally, and spiritually. That way, when quarantine is a thing of the past, we know that we’re coming out of it putting our best foot forward - not only for the world - but the most important person you can have in your life: yourself.
Kira Sparkles is a freelance writer based in Chicago. You can find more of her work on her website and Instagram