Having sex with your friends

Written by Tiernan Hebron

Photo by Cho Gi Seok

Is it a good idea to fuck your friends? I’m no statistician, but I’m pretty sure more than 95% of the population would answer that query with a resounding no. ‘Because it’ll ruin the friendship.’ ‘Because sex complicates everything.’ ‘Because friendships are supposed to be platonic.’ ‘Because you’ll fall in love with each other.’ Etc. These are just a few of the reasons I have heard for why people believe it’s a bad idea to fuck a friend. And can you really blame them? According to every rom-com movie ever made, when two friends or buddies fuck each other, the end result is either a) they fall in love, or b) they sever ties with each other completely. If those are the only two outcomes represented when friends have sex with each other, it makes sense why most of us in the audience adopt the belief that fucking and friendship are mutually exclusive. 

When I was 21 years old, my brain in all her naive glory surmised this to mean that if I slept with anyone--friend or otherwise--enough times they would fall in love with me. As you can probably guess, that one didn’t exactly work out the way I wanted. No matter how many times I would screw someone silly, they didn’t fall in love with me. Was I doing it wrong? Why wasn’t my vagina working? Perhaps if I let a guy do anal enough times he’ll fall in love with me for sure. Nope, that didn’t work either. Of course, my vagina and asshole weren’t the problem...at least not with regard to this circumstance. Surprise surprise, I was the problem. Fresh out of my trauma, I was utterly numb and alone and just wanted someone to do what I couldn’t do: love myself. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if someone fell in love with me I would be a-okay. And how did I go about achieving this wonderfully stupid master plan of mine? Did I go on romantic dates? Did I let them get to know me with humorous anecdotes? Did I open up about my traumas after an appropriate amount of time? Nope, I let them ream me countless times. And if you’re wondering: no, none of them ever fell in love with me. It took me many years to realize that my life isn’t a romantic comedy, and romantic comedies aren’t life (deep, I know). But seriously, rom-coms have you believing that once you have sex with someone, romantic feelings will become a factor. One--or both of you--will inevitably develop feelings, which will either result in romantic love, or the severance of ties completely when those developed feelings are not reciprocated (I guess my naive brain forgot about the possibility of that second outcome). That being said, I can’t help but wonder: if rom coms were not predicated on white, cis-heteronormative, monogamous values, would those still be the only two expected outcomes of casual sex? Nah, bro.

Let me first clarify that rom-coms aren’t the actual villain here, they simply reinforce the values of the actual villain. The society in which we currently live is the big bad. The big, white, cis-heteronormative, monogamous bad. Essentially, this means that from the moment we are born we are fed a narrative which only validates sexual experiences that occur between a cisgender man and a cisgender woman. A narrative that highlights and prioritizes sex within monogamous relationships. And a narrative that favors sex between white, thin, and able-bodied partners--all of which are supported by mainstream media and cultural representations (cue them rom-coms). Okay, so being that I am a white, thin, cisgender woman who was only having sex with cisgender men at that point in my life, it’s no wonder I kept waiting for one of these dudes to fall head over heels, that was the only outcome, of the only representation, I ever saw. 

Again, let me clarify that being thin or white or straight or cisgender or able-bodied, or monogamous is not inherently bad, nor are these traits inherently harmful. What is harmful is a society that is only inclusive of these traits/identities and not including--or purposely excluding--those who do not have these traits/identities. Alas, exclusion of anyone or anything different is the defining characteristic of most countries. Failure to include queer and trans people in books, media, classrooms, history, laws, etc etc. Failure to include anything other than monogamous relationships as valid and moral lifestyle choices--maybe when you’re younger it’s okay to experiment, but the end result has to be marriage and monogamy. Failure to ever fully include BIPOC, different cultures/belief systems, fat people, or people with disabilities in...anything really. All of this exclusion is either directly or indirectly a means to suppress and silence anyone who does not prescribe to the white--excuse me, the right values, beliefs, traits, identities, etc etc. 

For example, relationship structures in queer communities often blur the lines between friendship, sex, and love, resulting in any number of combinations. Partners who are in romantic love with each other might not have sex, but still have a very healthy and fulfilling relationship. Contrastingly, individuals can be in romantic love with each other, and have sex, but not be in a committed, monogamous relationship. Friends can have sex with each other without falling into romantic love and without jeopardizing the friendship. These varying relationship structures can be attributed to any number of reasons, ranging from better communication practices between partners/friends, not prescribing to traditional gender roles or the gender binary, greater comprehension of the diversity of sexuality and intimacy, and respect of another person’s (ie their partner’s) bodily autonomy. Devastatingly, many countries still have laws criminalizing queer relationships, some to the point of death. Even countries that don’t have such extremist laws, still have rampant discriminatory legislation, still lack queer history and issues taught in schools, and still lack adequate representation of queer characters and relationships in pop culture and media (only 18% of films included LGBTQIA+ characters in 2018). All of these factors inhibit the normalization and acceptance of values which are commonly found in queer communities, including casual sex between friends. 

Furthermore, failure to include and represent fat bodies or disabled bodies or black and brown bodies, fails to include the scope of diversity in sexual expression and sexual culture. Now, that is not to say that all of these various communities are engaging in casual sex with their friends. Rather, my point is that when we as a society do not include the diverse nature of sexuality--or the range of sexual practices between cultures, or the variety of relationship structures--the narrative we are exposed to is the only one we have to follow and adopt our values from. We practice what we see, and if our viewpoint is narrow, so too will be our values. Hence why the vast majority of us idealize skinny white hetero sex. What’s worse is that when most people are exposed to limited ideas, they tend to fear and admonish those ideas which are foreign and unknown to them. Like the idea of sex between glorious fat femmes. Or sex between people of ethnicities different than their own. Or sex between people in wheelchairs or without limbs. Or sex between friends who have zero interest in being romantically intertwined with each other. Perhaps if younger, naive me had been exposed to more diverse ideas, representations, and possibilities of sexual relationships, perhaps I wouldn’t have linked sex and romantic feelings inextricably together for so long. Perhaps I would have known that I could get emotional intimacy and support for my traumas without needing to get physically intimate. Perhaps I wouldn’t have been convinced that I needed a man to love me to feel worthy. Hmm. 

Returning back to people fearing what they don’t know or understand: perhaps the biggest and baddest unknown to much of modern society (at least with regard to sexuality) is non-monogamy. Monogamy is the state or practice of having only one sexual partner at a time. Again, nothing wrong with monogamy, but there is also nothing wrong with non-monogamy or polyamory either. Polyamory is a form of non-monogamy and is defined as practicing or being open to intimate relationships with more than one person. Please note that polyamory is not the same as polygamy. Polygamy is the practice of marrying multiple spouses, which is either charachterized by polygyny--when one male partner has multiple female partners or wives. Or polyandry--when one female partner has multiple male partners or husbands. While these are both forms of non-monogamy, I’m just going to focus on polyamory, because there needs to be some serious unlearning and relearning with regard to this sexual ideology/lifestyle.

Polyamory is gaining a footing (at long last) as an accepted sexual ideology in modern life, however it has in fact been around for thousands of years and was the norm in many pagan cultures. That is until Christian values took the metaphorical throne and recast it as immoral and eventually it came to be viewed as a non-option for romantic love. Monogamy on the other hand has been built up as the ultimate end-all be-all for romantic love between a male and female partner. This is all founded on the notion of ‘soulmates’ or the idea that romantic love only occurs between two partners, and if one or both of them are involved with other people, then their love is not that extra special brand of ‘soul-mate love,’ whatever the fuck that means. The planet is made up of some 8 billion people, most of them are in different countries, speaking other languages, leading lives that will never mesh with our own. The odds that we are going to find ‘the one’ in our direct or immediate community is a statistical improbability if not impossibility. And yet, the majority of humans are constantly on the hunt for that one special person who is going to make us feel ‘complete.’ Intimacy with only one friend for the rest of our lives is considered a ridiculous statement, but somehow intimacy with only one lover is not? If I didn’t know any better, I would think this whole set-up was by design of the cis-hetero patriarchy to control women’s sexuality, delegitimize relationships that do not cater to heterosexual men, and ultimately oppress women and other sexual/gender minorities. *looks directly at camera a la Jim Halpert*

Unlearning this toxic and limiting view of sexuality is like pulling roots from cement: it takes time and work. Speaking personally, naive me had to go through a lot of painful and embarrassing sexual and dating escapades to become current, more mature me. And I’m happy to say that I have finally been able to extract myself from the long-held belief that sex and romantic love are inherently intertwined. Take that cis-hetero patriarchy, ya sonofabitch. It took me having sex with someone who is--and will always be--a friend to arrive at this belief. Don’t get me wrong, I love this person and I love spending time with them, but I will never be in love with them. I will never have the tummy butterflies for them, or the desire to gaze into their eyes of swirling blue, or whatever else people in romantic love do with each other. That’s just not the kind of love I feel for them. However, that doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to them or don’t want to fuck them on occasion. And so I do fuck them...and we remain great friends...and we haven’t fallen in love with each other...even after a year of casual fucking. I went from believing that casual sex would lead to romantic love, to knowing that casual sex and romantic love are not inherently linked, but circumstantial. Ain’t life a hoot. 

Now after some extensive self-analysis and personal reflection, I realized that this arrangement is possible because I know myself well enough now to know I will never ‘fall in love’ with them. When I was my younger, more naive self I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted, so developing romantic feelings for someone was a whole hell of a lot easier. Anyone had the potential to sweep me off my feet, therefore engaging in casual sex did put me at greater risk for love. Fast forward a few years to now and romantic love just isn’t as accessible, mostly because I know the difference between platonic love and romantic love and can recognize who makes me feel which. As I mentioned earlier, I love the person I am having casual sex with, but I am not, nor will I ever be, in love with them. And it’s not because they’re not wonderful or cute or smart by any means, but there are many different kinds of love and mine for them is not romantic. By knowing this about myself, it makes it possible to have casual sex with them and even be emotionally and intellectually intimate with them without ruining our friendship. Score one for self-knowledge and awareness. Woo!

I want to conclude this piece by saying that fucking one’s friends won’t be possible for everyone, because we are all beautifully, deliciously, and wildly different. Our sexual identities are influenced by an infinite number of factors including past experiences, the current environment in which one lives, biology, trauma, porn, media, etc. Because of this reason, making any sweeping statements with regard to sex and sexuality and sexual experimentation is not only impossible, but unethical. The right circumstances lined up at the right time to make it possible for me to fuck my friend without romance coming in to demolish our fun with it’s big, red, gooey, heart hands. Maybe I’ll be able to replicate such a relationship with another friend in the future, maybe I won’t, but I do know that it is possible. And that is what I will leave y'all with: that your sexual life is full of possibility and opportunity and the potential for change. Happy humping!

Tiernan is a writer, sexual educator, and creator of all things media. She is currently studying at Tulane University in New Orleans to get her MPH (Master of Public Health) in Health Education and Communication. Check out her Instagram for more juicy detes.