Seeking sexual gratification as a Femdom
Written by Lalita Libertas
Photo by Roseography
Throughout my early sexual life I had always been a 'vanilla' person, mostly missionary position and generally submissive. Then everything changed one day, I found myself battling through gender constructs in order to attain my ultimate pleasures. I learnt how to navigate my new found fetishes with partners and quickly understood the importance of aftercare, both key aspects in flourishing mine and others sexual liberation. Still facing new challenges I continue to find a place for these desires within my life and partnerships.
Despite growing up in the UK most of my societal constructs were derived from my parents, both from more male dominated societies in Europe. Here 'Machismo' played a big role; males were seen as strong providers and females as heads of the household with no real empowerment outside of this role. My father held very rigid views on gender and sexuality and his attempt to empose these lead to my yearning for quite the opposite. I found myself in many situations with dominating males where I did not get much say. This pushed me to want to take back some control, to feel empowered. I was sexually explorative from an early age but my lack of shyness in expressing this often lead to sex-shaming; people (including my father) calling me a 'slut' and that what I was doing was 'wrong'. These unhelpful remarks left me with some uncomfortable thoughts, a hurdle to overcome in accepting my desires.
Female domination (Femdom; female dominated sexual interactions) and pegging (penetrating a male with a strap-on penis) were first introduced to me through pornography and later fetish nights. Something inside me had always wanted to feel what it would be like to reverse the roles of previous encounters and I often fantasised what it would be like to take charge. At first I struggled with my own perception and self-identity around this, it appeared as a dichotomy to my work and social life, a taboo. I had kept it secret from everyone, fearful of how it would be perceived. It wasn’t until my first long term partner that I experienced a big shift within myself. We freely discussed our desires; it was refreshing to be with someone so relaxed who didn't view my fetishes as something shameful. He agreed to explore and it was only then that I felt true satisfaction in the bedroom, I was excited by the pleasure he expressed. I realised that Femdom was not about taking power for me but more the interplay of power dynamics. After this experience I craved to learn more.
Finding someone to indulge in my new fetishes was another story. It was easy to satisfy cravings with like minded individuals I had met in the fetish scene, but more challenging with people outside of this scene and even more of a mine field navigating this within relationships. Fetlife was a good online platform to meet like-minded people, it was easier to set expectations when the other person had some prior understanding and a thirst to engage. Most partners outside of Fetlife and fetish clubs were new to kink so raising the subject without scaring them off was a delicate process. I was lucky as some partners had heard of my penchant for pegging and they would approach me as someone who could make their fantasy a reality. These interactions were fun but generally afterwards I was left with a used feeling. I longed for more of a deep connection, to be able to explore with people who would stick around, not just some quick fulfillment. The Madonna-whore complex coming to mind; men seeing sexually confident women as mere sexual objects and seeking the more virginal (Madonna) for a long term partner, finding it difficult to integrate sexual gratification into a loving partnership. For me the two are the same, every act of domination I do with love, care and affection.
For many partners willing to explore I would start slow, both of us finding our boundaries together and allowing them to guide pegging experiences initially. I have always felt a connection with those who I have dominated and being able to create a safe space where they feel secure and able to let go of any restrictions they have is always something I strive for. For a submissive giving yourself to someone involves a lot of trust and can be an intense emotional process, the new realms have left some feeling uncomfortable and confused at first.
Preconceived gender roles and hyper-masculinity have been barriers to overcome throughout my journey. Working in mental health I have seen how difficult it can be for men to express themselves, societies toxic impression of how a 'man' should behave; showing emotions being weak and anything deferring from heterosexuality as wrong. This hyper-masculinity has taken me down some interesting conversations. Some partners concerned that engaging would make them "less of a man" or feeling post act shame and guilt, saying they could not see me anymore despite wanting to, that it was unhealthy to explore that side of themselves. A friend once confessed his want to be pegged, ashamed to ask anyone before we had to keep it a secret between us. Privacy is important but for fear of being shamed has brought about conflicting feelings inside me. It is sad to think that people can feel so repressed, that society can still be narrow minded as to shame someone for their sexuality. I understood completely, the parallels to what I had previously experienced.
Seeing strong emotions in myself and others meant that I quickly learnt the importance of appropriate aftercare. How it would give an opportunity to normalise any expressions and inhibit sexual growth for everyone involved. Aftercare is something everyone should practice in some form, it is simply giving time and attention after a sexual interaction, giving space for any thoughts and emotions that spring up. For me cuddles and chats 'check-ins' were becoming a key part of my play. In opposition of sex-shaming remarks, this chats flourished many sexualities. I found the communication in aftercare gave way to more meaningful relationships and developed stronger connections. Finally I had learnt how to fit my desires within relationships in the caring, safe way I sought.
From my initial curiosities and drive to take back control from my past disempowering experiences to overcoming some challenging gender constructs, my fetishes have supported me and others to explore new sexual avenues. It has not been an easy venture and I still find myself finding unfamiliar aspects and interests within Femdom and pegging. Still confronted at times with different views and perspectives of those who dont quite understand that fetishes can be explored in a loving and supportive way. They can be part of a beautiful relationship, allowing for sexual liberation. This exploration and pushing of boundaries has taken me to new heights of satisfaction and I am grateful to have been able to share such things with others.
Lalita Libertas is a sex positive performance artist currently residing in Brazil, you can find her on Instagram.